Agent Scherbatsky
by Tall-Guy091
Summary: Agent Maria Hill is being sent to New York City. With a new mission and a new identity, what new challenges await her? And what will she do when she actually starts to make friends? How will she keep the truth from them? Will she be able to? Only one thing is certain: it's gonna be legen... wait for it... dary! Rated T just in case.
1. Chapter 1: The Mission

Here we go!

I don't own the Avengers or HIMYM, I just enjoy them both thoroughly.

I'm going to try to update this about once a week or so, but I'm not making any promises. Also, the timelines for the Avengers is going to be a little altered so that it fits with that of HIMYM. Just so you know.

* * *

Agent Maria Hill had worked for SHIELD for all of her adult life. In that time she had learned a few things that she had never expected. The most important of those things was this: never go into Nick Fury's office if you can help it. With only a few exceptions, no one who went into Fury's office came out the same, if they came out at all.

So she was more than a little worried when she came in one morning and found a message waiting for her on her computer. It read, "Agent Hill, report to Director Fury's office immediately. Priority one, zero contact." That meant drop everything and tell no one why. Very encouraging.

A few minutes later, she stood just outside the Director's door, waiting nervously. Before she could knock, the door slid silently open. She swallowed hard and then walked in as calmly as possible. Within the large office, Nick Fury stood facing away from her, looking out of his office window down at Washington DC. She knew better than to interrupt, so she simply said, "Agent Maria Hill, Level 6, reporting as requested, sir."

The longest moments of her life passed before Director Fury finally turned around and looked at her. His one good eye bored into her, measuring and evaluating every little detail. "Agent Hill," he began slowly, "Can I trust you?"

The question shocked Agent Hill. She was used to orders, directives; not questions. And "trust" was not a topic usually discussed within SHIELD. _'How do I answer that,'_ she thought, ' _This has to be some kind of test.'_ She considered her words carefully before responding, "I swore an oath to SHIELD, but personally, you have no reason to trust me or not."

She thought that she saw the smallest ghost of a smile on the Director's face at her answer. He nodded and said, "Good. That's exactly what I wanted to hear. You're here to get a mission. At the end of it, I'll have the answer to my question."

He pressed a button on his desk, and a face appeared on one of the screens. It was a woman with brown hair and fair features, and she looked a little bit like Agent Hill. Director Fury was no longer looking at her, instead giving his entire attention to the screen. "This woman," he said, "stumbled onto some sensitive information. She's proven valuable in collecting and providing intel for us. She went out on assignment for us a few weeks ago."

Agent Hill nodded, thinking that she understood. "So do you need me to bring her in, sir?" Fury smiled wryly and said, "That won't be necessary. She's dead. I need you to replace her." She couldn't hold back her shock as she said, "Replace her, sir?"

Fury nodded, "That's right. We've spent a lot of time and effort getting her into a position to gather better information for us. We're not going to let that effort go to waste, so you're going to replace her. The tech department is already working to digitally replace you in pictures and film."

There were no questions involved. ' _I don't have a choice. I guess I'll just have to do it.'_ Then aloud she asked, "Why do I need to replace her? Can't I just go in as myself?"

"No. This mission is to find intel on potentially dirty SHIELD agents. To do that, your name can't be connected to SHIELD. You'll report directly to me. To all other SHIELD personnel, you'll be working in the New York City field office like other agents. You're now Level 7, but you will officially continue at Level 6. Any questions?"

It sounded like more of a dismissal than a question, so Agent Hill simply said, "Just one, sir. What is my cover identity called?"

The Director nodded again, and said, "From now on, when you're off duty, you will be known as Robin Scherbatsky."

* * *

Next time: Robin (Agent Hill) arrives in New York City, meets some interesting people, and gets a smurf penis.

There we go, that's chapter 1! Ted and the others will show up next time. Also, I'm expecting other chapters to be a bit longer than this one, this was just to get things off the ground. Please review, let me know what you think, and if you have any ideas or guesses about where the story's going.


	2. Chapter 2: Ted and the Smurf Penis

a/n: So this took me a little bit longer to get to than I'd hoped, but here it is now!

Also, while its listed as a crossover with the Avengers, pretty much all Marvel movies/tv shows will make an appearance.

* * *

Agent Hill had been in New York City for just over a week. She had learned her new identity, been introduced at work, and settled into her new apartment. She had a long list of people and companies who might have illicit connections with SHIELD agents. But, all in all, it had been a quiet week. Unfortunately, highly trained, highly dangerous SHIELD agents don't do well with quiet…

' _This has to be the most boring city in the world!'_ she thought to herself one night, _'I've been here nine days and I haven't been shot at, interrogated, or even followed! How do people live like this!'_

The only solace she had was that Director Fury had finally given her an assignment. That Friday, she was leaving for a week long mission to Florida. Something about a Bermuda Triangle resurgence or something, she didn't have the details yet. She couldn't wait.

But that wasn't until Friday. For the time being, she was going out with some girls she had met at work. One of them had just been dumped, so they all wanted to get drunk and stare angrily at men all night long. _'Damn, that's petty. Whatever, I could use a good drink.'_

* * *

Her new friends took her to a bar called McLaren's. _'I guess this'll do,'_ she thought, _'just as long as they have scotch, this'll do just fine. Now, I just need to figure out some way to stay sane for a few days.'_ She ordered her drink, sat back, and tried to relax into the small talk. She was actually having a pretty good time, too.

While the others talked, she was more focused on getting the lay of the bar. She saw two exits, plus several windows that would do in a pinch. Most people were talking quietly, but at least one man had looked at her at least twice, and that made her nervous. But everything was quiet for a while…

It happened when she was at the bar getting a new drink. Someone tapped her on her shoulder. She fought back the instinct to grab the person and put them in a very painful hold and instead turned just in time for a blonde man to cheerily declare, "Hi, have you met Ted?"

The blonde pointed to another man briefly before turning and marching away. Maria couldn't decide if she wanted to laugh or sigh; the man she had been left with was the one she had caught staring at her. _'Damn,'_ she thought, _'was he really just checking me out? I guess I'll have to play along.'_

She gave him a quick once-over for weapons as she said, "Let me guess…Ted?" His shy, almost clumsy grin almost had her believing that he wasn't a threat. Almost. After all, she hadn't gotten as far as she had without a generous helping of caution.

"I'm Robin," she continued, "Nice to meet you, Ted." The clumsy grin looked a bit more comfortable on his face now as he replied, "Nice to meet you too, Robin. So, what do you do?"

"I'm a reporter for Metro News 1," she recited. She managed to keep herself from sounding robotic, but just barely. "Well," she continued, "sort of a reporter. I do those dumb little fluff pieces at the end of the news, you know, like...a monkey that can play the ukulele. I'm hoping to get some bigger stories soon."

"Bigger, like…a gorilla with an upright bass?"

'… _Did he seriously just say that?"_

"I'm sorry, that was stupid. You're really pretty."

She found herself chuckling at that comment. _'Damn right, I am. Ok, this guy's way too desperate to be an enemy agent.'_ Her new friends had been glaring daggers at her, and she decided it was about time to acknowledge them. She gave them a little wave, and Ted finally noticed too. "Wow," he said, "Your friends don't seem too happy."

"Yeah, the one in the middle just got dumped, so tonight, every guy is 'the enemy'."

"You know, if it'll make your friend feel better, you can throw a drink in my face. I don't mind."

' _Oh yeah, this'll be fun!'_ she thought, but she said, "She would love that!" She could see the courage max out on Ted's face, ' _Here it comes, 3, 2, 1…'_

"Hey, do you want to have dinner with me on Saturday?"

' _A swing and a miss, I get to shoot at someone on Saturday. But I can't tell you that so…'_ "I can't," she said, "I'm flying to Orlando on Friday; some guy's gonna try and make the world's biggest pancake, and guess who's covering it?"

"That's gonna take a week?"

' _Damn! How am I already this sloppy? Quick…'_ "Yeah, he's gonna eat it, too." _'Nice save, Hill.'_

"I know it's a long shot, but how about tomorrow night?"

' _Wow, this guy is persistent. But he is kinda cute…'_ "Yeah, why not?" She slipped him her number, grabbed her drink, and promptly threw it in his face. Then she turned and strode back to her friends with a smile.

* * *

The next night was Maria's big date. Her first date as Robin Scherbatsky. Ted picked her up and they went to a bistro. It was a fine enough place, but there was one glaring oddity hanging on the wall. "Wow," she said, "that is one badass blue French Horn."

Ted nodded enthusiastically and replied, "Yeah… you know, it kinda looks like a smurf penis." His jaw visibly clamped shut as soon as the words left his mouth. But Maria nearly did a spit take from laughing so hard. _'I don't know what it is, but something is wrong with this guy…'_ she thought, _'and I kinda like it.'_

After that, with the tension officially obliterated, the date began to go really well. It seemed like every time she said something Ted got more excited. And, she had to admit, she was kind of starting to like him too. And when she passed him her olives, he almost fell out of his chair with excitement.

"It's called the Olive Theory," he said, "It's based on my friends Marshall and Lily. She loves olives, he hates them. In a weird way, that's what makes them such a great couple. Perfect balance."

' _Oh, what the hell,'_ she thought, _'I need to blow off some steam. I'm going for it.'_ She put on her best seductive gaze and said, "You know, I've had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever…"

Ted returned with a knowing grin and said, "I can take those off your hands for you…"

They both smiled and left for her apartment. Their cheerful, bantering conversation continued all the way to Maria's front door. Then the news van arrived, and a voice called out to Maria, "There you are! We've got a jumper and you're covering it, come on!"

' _Wow, you have the worst timing ever,'_ she thought, turning to Ted. "I'm sorry," she said, "I had a really good time tonight." She smiled, and she could see the wheels turning in Ted's head. He was thinking about kissing her, but decided against it. She couldn't help letting out a small sigh as she turned and ran over to the news van.

* * *

Maria didn't get home until nearly one o'clock in the morning. She quickly changed into her pajamas and was about to fall straight into bed when her doorbell rang. _'Who on earth could that be? It better not be someone from SHIELD.'_

She checked out her visitor from her window and saw that it was Ted, who was now wearing a suit. _'Crap, is he an agent after all?'_ He stammered through an attempted explanation before simple holding up the blue French horn from the bistro. Maria smiled and said, "Come on up."

He came in, but now Maria was a bit skeptical. "So, Ted," she started, "What brings you back to Brooklyn at one in the morning…in a suit?" _'Please don't say you have a mission for me.'_

He was still nervous as he said, "I was just hoping that I could get those olives that you said I could have…"

' _Oh, thank you. Awesome, he's still cute, and I could still blow off some steam.'_ "Would you like those olives with some gin and vermouth?"

"Are you trying to get me drunk?"

She put back on her most seductive gaze, turned on some music, and said, "For a start." She pulled Ted close and began to sway to the steady beat of the music. She could feel the alcohol dulling her senses a bit. _'Wow, this town must really be getting to me. The Director would have my head if he knew I had gotten drunk like this.'_

As they swayed, Maria found herself looking into Ted's eyes and she said, "I think I like your olive theory."

"I think I like your new French horn."

"I think I like your nose." ' _What? Yeah, I'm definitely drunk.'_

"I think I'm in love with you."

' _Code Red, Code Red, what the hell did he just say?"_ She snapped out of her mildly drunken state and exclaimed, "What!?"

The mood was crushed, and they soon found themselves sitting on the couch, both stunned by Ted's statement. Ted tried to pierce the tension, "So…Orlando? Are you gonna go to Disneyworld?"

' _Oh no, you're not getting off that easy.'_ "You love me?" she said incredulously.

"I know. Why did I say that? Why would anyone say that? You know what, I should just go."

He got up to leave, but Maria called him back. She grabbed her jar of olives and handed them to him. "Here," she said, "I promised you these." He looked down at the jar and smiled, "Olives…I love you. What is wrong with me!? I should go…"

On that note, she showed Ted down to the steps outside. As he was going to leave, he paused and said, "You know, when you tell your friends this story, could you avoid the word 'psycho'? I prefer 'eccentric'."

Even Maria had to give a little smile at that. _'If you had met even half of the bad guys that I've put away, then you would never even consider the word psycho. But this is just too good to pass up on.'_ "Good night. Psycho."

Ted was just starting to walk away when he stopped again and said, "You know what? I'm so done with being single. I'm not good at it. And I know that you can't tell a woman you just met that you love her, but I wish you could. Because if there was a woman who would put up with me through all that, I think that I'd make a good husband. Because that's the kind of stuff I'm good at. Stuff like making her laugh, being a good father, walking the dogs…and being a good kisser."

Maria smiled again, "Everyone thinks they're a good kisser."

"Oh, I've got references."

"Good night, Ted."

He put out his hand to shake hers, and she returned it. "And I'm a good hand-shaker," said Ted. Maria chuckled to herself and thought, _'Oh, what the hell? He's still cute, I'll let him kiss me good night.'_ "Yeah," she started, "That's a pretty great handshake." She lingered with her hand in his, looking deeply into his eyes.

"Well, good night, Robin." And with that, he turned and walked away.

' _Wow…he's a dense one, isn't he? Oh well, at least he wasn't boring.'_

* * *

Next Time: Agent Hill meets the rest of the gang, and some weird things start to happen in New York.

Thanks for reading! From now on, the story is going to start getting different from that of HIMYM. Please review if you please.


	3. Chapter 3: Casual

Agent Maria Hill had never had so much fun. A week spent on the beach in Orlando, relaxing in the sun, drinking martinis, and occasionally shooting some terrorists while they tried to start back up the Bermuda triangle. It was just the kind of vacation that she needed after a week of boring, normal life in New York City. But she still had an itch to scratch, which made her trip back to New York much more interesting.

"Are you sure about this, Agent Hill?" The person saying this clearly didn't know Maria Hill, who thought, _'Oh, Agent Meyers…or is it Martin? Whoever the hell you are, I hope you go under deep cover some day. Then you might get it.'_ The only response she gave him was a mischievous grin before tearing open the door of the airplane and leaping out.

The New York City skyline twinkled like the sky on a clear night…if the sky were hurtling toward you with the promise of near-inevitable doom. She closed her eyes for a moment, just relishing the feeling of the air rushing by her face. Then her eyes snapped open and she angled herself towards Brooklyn. She waited as long as possible before opening her parachute, slowing to a safe speed just as her feet touched the roof of her apartment building.

She pulled the chute under her arm and almost pranced her way into the building. _'Ahhh,'_ she thought, _'That's the stuff. Now I'm ready to tackle a little normalcy.'_ Her good mood followed her all the way into her apartment, where she greeted her dogs before promptly turning in for the night. _'Now that I've got that out of my system, maybe life in New York won't be so bad.'_

* * *

The next few days actually went pretty well. The first day, Maria wrote and submitted her mission report, and then submitted a separate report to Director Fury about how she would need a mission like that every now and then to keep her sane. Then she just worked and tried to make contacts in the city. She didn't completely hate her job; after all, nobody seemed to give a crap, so she really wasn't worried about anybody looking too closely at her cover.

By that night, she decided that she needed a drink to toast her getting used to New York. She went back to McLaren's, mostly because she already had the layout committed to memory, so why make more work for herself? She was just ordering a drink at the bar when someone tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Hey, aren't you Robin from Metro News 1?"

'… _You have got to be kidding me. Someone actually watches that crap?'_ was what she thought, but Agent Hill put on her best smile and turned to see a small redheaded woman whose face was threatening to tear itself open from the giant grin on her face. "Yeah," said Agent Hill, "That's me. I'm always happy to meet a fan." _'Yup, because what highly-trained professional spy doesn't want their face showing up in homes all across the world?'_

"Actually," the woman said, "I only recognized you because I'm a friend of Ted's."

' _Ted? Who's…oh yeah, the 'I love you' guy. Well, I guess that's better at least.'_ She nodded her head understandingly and said, "Oh, yeah, I remember him. Well, it's good to meet you…"

"Lily. Lily Aldrin."

"Well, nice to meet you, Lily Aldrin. I'm Robin Scherbatsky." _'And I really hope I'm pronouncing that right.'_

"Nice to meet you too…So…Ok, I've got to ask, what do you think of Ted?"

' _He needs better interrogators for friends,'_ she thought, chuckling to herself. Then she said, "Well, Ted's something else… He comes on a little strong."

"But that's part of his charm."

' _Way to talk up your friend…but I guess you're right.'_ "Oh, totally. He's sweet, charming, but he's looking for something more serious than I am. The most I can handle right now is something casual." _'At least until I get more comfortable in this cover. I must gotten my story crossed at least twice the last time I was out with Ted. Good thing he's no agent, or I'd be in real trouble.'_

Lily nodded understandingly, but Maria suddenly got suspicious. After all, she only had this girl's word about her connection with Ted. She needed to test Lily's ability to lie, so she said, "This is just between us, right?"

"Are you kidding? This flapper? Fort Knox."

' _Wow, she is worse than Ted. I bet she can't keep a secret to save her life.'_

Lily motioned her over to a booth, where they both sat down and the conversation turned to safer topics. Within minutes, Ted arrived with a very surprised, "Robin, hey."

"Hey, Ted."

Now it was Lily's turn, "Look who I ran into?" Ted still looked very confused, and he asked, "Since when do you two know each other?"

Maria thought, _'About 11 minutes, 37 seconds… is it weird to know that? Better play it safe.'_ She instead picked up her drink, pointed to the top of the glass, and said, "Oh, since about here." _'Nailed it!'_ "Lily recognized me, and — hello, sailor!"

Lily and the guy who came in with Ted, had immediately begun to make out. Hard. Maria had no response but to stare. Ted offered some explanation, "They just got engaged." Lily confirmed this by flashing her ring in Maria's general direction, but never bothered to disconnect herself from her fiancée's face.

' _And that is my cue to leave.'_ "Well, I should… get back to the station. See you guys. Nice to see you Ted."

"Yeah, you too."

She turned and walked out of the bar, mentally reminding herself to get background checks on Ted and his friends.

* * *

By Friday evening, New York was beginning to get on her nerves again. Things were just so…routine. That day was just another fluff piece of news. She put on her "reporter face" as the cue came, "Thanks, Bill. I'm reporting live from 75th and Columbus, where a four year old boy has climbed inside a "grab-a-prize" machine and gotten stuck…" She continued to speak as her mind turned to inspecting the area around her. She was determined to keep her edge, even if she had to resort to practicing while on the local news.

Near the end of her report she heard the distinct footfalls of someone running up behind her. They stopped suddenly and turned to a walk, but she had already caught the sound, and was keeping track of them. They stepped away a few steps, breathing heavily. She wrapped up her report and immediately turned to see… "Ted?"

He turned in false surprise and said, "Robin, wow! What are the odds?"

She gave him a quick once over, _'You're sweaty and out of breath. You mentioned that you live above McLaren's, which is about a three minute run from here, and I gave my location on live tv three and a half minutes ago… Wow, you worked really hard for this "chance encounter" didn't you?'_ Unfortunately for Agent Hill, Robin Scherbatsky wasn't supposed to be so observant, so she went along with Ted's game and said, "What are you doing here?"

"Uhh, just shopping for some…" his eyes darted to the shelf, "…dip. You know, I love dip. I mean, I don't love dip, I like it. As a friend."

' _Jeez, I really did a number on you, didn't I? Well, I guess you really did it to yourself by saying something stupid, but I guess I can take the blame if you want. Crap, he's still talking.'_

She'd gone back into observation mode, responding automatically without really connecting her mouth to her brain. But she was quickly snapped out of it when Ted got that same look in his eye as he did right before he asked her out the first time.

"So," he began, "We're having a party next Friday night, if you want to come by. But you know, whatever…"

' _Yup, Lily totally blabbed about that whole "casual" thing. And he's gone off the deep end. But this could be fun. Let's set the bait…'_ , "Oh, I'm going back home next weekend. It's too bad it's not tonight."

"It is! It's tonight. This Friday. Did I say next Friday? I guess I've been saying next Friday all week. Yeah, the party's tonight."

' _Hook, line, and sinker. Oh, Teddy boy, you make this too easy.'_

* * *

Agent Hill went back to her apartment, eager to get ready and see what kind of party Ted managed to throw together in just two hours. She wore a wicked grin on her face as she walked, trying to decide how and if she wanted to explain to Ted that she had seen right through him. "This," she said to herself, "is just the kind of fun I need to unwind. I guess New York isn't so bad after all." She pushed her key into her apartment door, noticing only momentarily that none of her five dogs made a sound as she opened the door.

Inside her apartment stood a middle-aged man in a suit, casually inspecting the blue French horn still hanging on her wall. He would have looked almost completely nonthreatening, except for the fact that her dogs were all passed out on the ground around him. Without turning to look at her he said, "This is a nice place you have here. I assume there's some kind of story behind this horn. Oh, and sorry about the dogs. They'll be fine, but they wouldn't stop barking at me."

By now Agent Hill had pulled out one of her hidden guns and had it trained on the man. "Turn around slowly," she said, "I will not hesitate to shoot."

The man chuckled and turned around, saying, "No, I'm sure you wouldn't, Maria."

Maria lowered the gun as she saw the man's face, "Dammit, Phil, what are you doing here?"

In her living room stood Agent Phil Coulson of SHIELD, one of her mentors. She hesitated to lower her gun, unsure of how or why he was standing in her apartment. He simply continued to walk around, casually observing and inspecting different things around her apartment. Finally he looked at her and said, "Director Fury decided that you might need support at some point, so he briefed me on your mission. A little vague for my tastes, how are you liking it?"

"Badly. I don't know where to start, especially since I can't use SHIELD assets to get information."

"That's not true. You can, but only through me. That's why I'm here."

"Really? Fury sent you, the Agent Coulson, to be my intelligence support?"

"Well, yeah, basically. Also to look over your shoulder a little bit. Tell me about Ted."

Maria sighed, _'Of course he knows about that'_ , "He's a nice guy. Architect. Comes on a little bit way too strong."

"Really? And what do you consider "too strong"?"

"He said "I love you" on our first date."

"Woah, really?"

"Yup, right about where you're standing."

"Wow, sounds like Ted needs help."

While it was nice to catch up with an old friend, the Director didn't send Level 8 agents into her apartment in the middle of the night just to chat, so she said, "Yes, he definitely does. But seriously, Phil, what are you doing here? Like I said, I'm not sure where to start. And I definitely don't have anything to report to Fury yet. And you don't just make house calls to catch up with long lost friends."

The grin on Agent Coulson's face faded slightly. He nodded and said, "Yeah, you caught me. I'm not just here on a casual trip. But I guess you knew that since no one in SHIELD is supposed to know about you being Robin Scherbatsky. Here's the real reason why I'm here: Agent Hill, I have a mission for you, right here in New York City."

* * *

Next Time: Agent Hill receives a new mission that will put her new identity at risk. And what about Ted's party?

Thanks for reading! Please review and let me know what you think of the story.

This chapter was originally going to include more, but it started to get too long for my liking. If you think my chapters should be longer (or shorter), please let me know. It all helps me write a better story for you guys to read.


	4. Chapter 4: Party, Party, Party?

Agent Maria Hill felt herself swallow hard. Phil Coulson had showed up in her apartment and had just announced that he had an assignment for her in New York. His voice had been so serious that she was now waiting anxiously for him to continue. He paused for a long moment, but his serious face cracked into a nervous smile instead. "Wow, did that sound too serious? I feel like I built that up too much. Anything I say now is just bound to disappoint you."

' _Same old Phil, dramatic tension is just not his thing.'_ She couldn't help but smile at her old mentor. "Just tell me what the mission is, Phil."

That brought Agent Coulson back from his own musings. He nodded and asked, "Alright, then. What do you know about the AltruCell Corporation?"

AltruCell was one of nearly two dozen companies that had been part of her mission briefing. She mentally flipped through the information she had received before coming to New York. She cleared her throat and quickly recited, "Officially they produce tennis ball fuzz. Unofficially they deal in oil, logging, tobacco, the occasional government weapons contract… Basically, name a shady type of business and they probably have a division devoted to it."

"A bit dry, but that's the gist of it. But the Director has recently received intelligence that they're looking to expand into more exotic tech fields."

' _Crap. Exotic tech, the catch-all for things that civilians aren't supposed to know about. And here I thought that Coulson was going to make things less vague.'_ "What kind of exotic tech are we talking about?"

"We're not quite sure. Possibly something alien, but we have reason to believe that they've gotten their hands on SHIELD tech."

Now the pieces clicked into place. Agent Hill nodded her head and said, "And that's where I come in. After all, the point of me being here is to find dirty SHIELD agents, right? So I go in, find the tech, and blow up the operation, right?"

"Actually, no."

Maria's face fell. This mission had actually started to sound like fun. Counter-espionage, unknown enemies, and almost guaranteed violence; it was the dream. Coulson must have seen the look on her face; he nodded understandingly before continuing, "Your cover is too important to risk. Your mission is information gathering only. Find out if they actually have anything exotic. If they do, find out who sold it to them. We'll send in a team to clean things up if necessary."

Maria nodded. It wasn't her personal preference, but she understood. Then she looked at the clock and realized that she was very late for Ted's party. She groaned and turned back to Coulson, who was also looking at the clock. "Oops, looks like I've kept you from your party. I hope you don't mind, I sent in another agent. Agent Parker. She's supposed to learn about Ted and his friends."

"How do know about Ted's party? He didn't know about it earlier today."

Coulson just shrugged, "We're SHIELD. Knowing things is what we do. If you do go, be careful. SHIELD agents are good and noticing each other."

The faintest trace of a grin slipped onto Coulson's face. Agent Hill could feel her anger rising. _'He's enjoying this! He's screwing with me and loving it!'_ She clenched her teeth and almost growled behind her teeth. But she could feel the anger slipping away; SHIELD had trained her better than to lose control at such a small thing. She let out an exasperated sigh and shook her head, _'Damn, and it was going to be so much fun to tease Ted.'_ "Don't worry, I'll let your agent do her work. Just give me the mission brief that you're hiding somewhere and I'll get to work."

The grin grew ever so slightly. Coulson produced a thick envelope emblazoned with both the SHIELD logo and the word "Classified" all over it. _'Where the hell did that come from?'_ The senior agent must have caught her quick look of confusion because his grin grew even more as he handed her the envelope and headed for the door.

Just as he touched the doorknob, she stopped him. "One thing, Phil. Aren't you worried that Ted will notice some random girl that no one knows just showing up at his party?"

This time Coulson actually let out a chuckle. _'Crap, that can't be good.'_ He turned back to her and said, "Maria, you're a great agent. But you clearly don't know New York. Every party around here has at least one girl like that. See you later." With that he nodded and walked out.

Maria looked at the dossier in her hand and let out a deep sigh. She didn't like paperwork, but she knew that it was important. She walked into her kitchen and opened up her liquor cabinet. _'If I have to spend all night reviewing this crap, I definitely need a drink first.'_

* * *

The next morning Maria was awoken by the sun as it peeked through her apartment's blinds. She blinked herself awake and found herself still on the couch, highly classified documents spread out around her and a glass of scotch sitting on the coffee table. She yawned and stretched herself awake before heading to get some coffee. On her way to the kitchen she looked down and noticed that her dogs were stilling unconscious on the floor. _'Dammit, Phil. What the hell did you hit them with?'_

As she drank her coffee, she knew that she needed to call Ted. She pulled out the phone and dialed his number. _'I need a pick-me-up. Hopefully Ted says something stupid…What am I thinking, this is Ted.'_ She waited as the phone once, twice, three times. _'Oh, yeah. Still trying to act casual. This should make me feel better.'_

Finally, Ted picked up on the other end. "Hello?"

"I'm so sorry I missed your party."

"Who is this, Meredith?"

Maria felt the grin beginning already. _'Ted, it's a cell phone. Caller ID comes standard.'_ "It's Robin."

"Oh, Robin! I guess you didn't show up. It's all right."

"Yeah, I got stuck at work. But they finally got the kid out of that toy machine."

"Did they let him keep one?"

"All of them. Little kids have small bladders."

Ted laughed and the gears began to turn in Maria's head. _'Ted seems pretty on the hook. I wonder…'_ "I wish your party was tonight…"

She could almost hear the battle going on in Ted's head before he blurted out, "It is! The party's tonight. It's a two-day party. If you want to come by, it'll be…casual. See you."

As she set down the phone she couldn't stop smiling. _'Hook, line, sinker. So easy it's almost no fun… Almost.'_ She settled in to enjoy her coffee. _'Today's going to be a good day.'_

She was right. Work flew by and by the end of the day she was excited to have some fun with Ted and his friends. She was back in her apartment when her phone went off. Expecting it to be Ted, she picked it up with a cheerful, "Hello?"

"Wow, expecting a call from someone special?"

"Phil? What do you want?"

Agent Coulson was just about the last person that she wanted to hear from at that moment. If he had called her, it's because he needed something. She could almost hear him grinning as he said, "Agent Parker found some interesting intel last night at Ted's party."

She could hear him teasing her with it, but she wasn't in the mood. "Just tell me what it is, Phil."

"Fine. One of Ted's friends, Barney Stinson, just happens to be a high-level employee of AltruCell."

' _No way…No way I got that lucky.'_

"She also managed to steal his biometrics. Since Ted's conveniently having another party tonight…"

' _Thanks to me.'_

"I want you to break into AltruCell and find anything that Mr. Stinson has that could help your investigation."

"Why me? Why not send Parker?"

"She's going to the party to run distraction with Stinson. She had prior contact, she can get it done."

"Fine, what do we know about Stinson?"

"He's a womanizer, and his job title seems to be a bit unclear. That usually means he's in charge of something shady."

"Fine, I'll do it." She hung up, trying to almost break her phone in half with how hard she pressed it. Two days in a row, she was going to miss Ted's party. Parties that she had set up! She focused her anger toward the task at hand, preparing herself for the mission at hand.

Less than an hour later, Agent Hill stood outside the office of the AltruCell Corporation. Instead of her usual mission attire, she looked more like she were dressed for a date…or a party. She breathed slowly, feeling the comfortable weight of the pistol strapped to her thigh. She hoped that no one would question why she was there as long as she blended in.

She took a moment to pull out the bag of biometrics that Agent Parker had dead-dropped for her. She saw hair and fingerprints, but then a few other objects caught her eye. She pulled them and nearly dropped them in shock. _'Retinal scans? And is this… Blood, urine, and_ _semen_ _samples! What on earth did Parker do to this guy?'_

She shook her surprise away and strode into the building. She pushed open the door and walked calmly across the lobby. But the night guard's eyes snapped to attention before the door had even closed behind her. He was big, with a nightstick on his hip and a pistol hidden in a shoulder holster. She could take him, but it obliterate her cover, so instead she walked right up to the guard desk and said, "Hey there, big guy. Do you know where Barney Stinson's office is?"

The guard looked thrown. Whatever he had been expecting, that wasn't it. He fumbled for a moment before saying, "Yes, of course, ma'am. But I don't think Mr. Stinson's here tonight."

' _The guard knows the name off the top of his head. That's a good sign. Well, he's supposed to be a player, so here goes nothing…'_ She put on her most secretive grin and slipped a $50 bill from her purse. She slid it across the desk and said, "Of course not. No one's here tonight, right?"

Slowly, the guard nodded as he slipped the money into his pocket. "Of course, ma'am. Mr. Stinson's not in his office on the northwest corner of the 21st floor." The casual way that he said it spoke volumes. This wasn't the first late night meeting that the guard had "overlooked" for Barney Stinson. More good news. Or creepy news.

And so she made her way up to the 21st floor, unopposed. The guard must have radioed ahead for some privacy because she didn't see a single other person anywhere on the floor. She strode confidently into Stinson's office and sat down at his computer. A fingerprint scanner was the only protection. She heaved a sigh of relief. _'With all the stuff that Parker got I was worried he had some really, really weird security up here.'_

She opened up the computer and found…nothing. Oh, there was plenty of dirt there. Enough to put someone away for a long, long time. But nothing that even hinted at exotic tech. Frustrated, she connected an external hard drive to the computer and began to back up everything. Hopefully she could find something to make this trip worth it.

Angry enough to break something, she thought about shooting her way out of the building, just for fun. But the thought skipped away even as it formed, replaced with cold professionalism. She headed back to the elevator, tousling her hair and clothes into that classic "just-sexed" look. The guard barely even gave her a glance.

* * *

The next morning, Agent Hill woke up angry. She had spent all night going over the contents of Barney Stinson's hard drive. Aside from the mind-boggling amount of porn, there was almost nothing dirty that piqued her curiosity. All she found was a single file, titled Project Zeus. All it contained were names. They could be buyers, sellers, or nothing at all. Which meant she was doomed to spend the next few weeks looking into each and every one of them.

She called Ted to apologize, hoping that he could cheer her up a bit. When he answered she said, "Hey, Ted."

"Hey! Amanda? No, Jessica! Sorry, you sound like Amanda."

' _Once again, caller ID. Not quite as cute the second time, Ted.'_ "No, it's Robin."

"Oh, hey Robin!"

"I'm really sorry for missing your party again. I got stuck at work. Sometimes I feel like I live there."

"Hey, ain't no thing but a chicken wing, mamacita."

Maria stifled a chuckle. _'Ah, that's much better… You know what, I need to blow off some steam before I shoot someone. I'm going for it.'_ "I guess there's no chance that your two-dayer turned into a three-dayer, is there?"

The hesitant pause was even longer this time before Ted blurted out, "It did indeed, the party continues tonight."

' _Score! And Phil can go to hell if he has anything to say.'_ "Alright, then. I'll be there."

"Great! See you tonight!"

Ted hung up, and Maria could feel the beginnings of a smile forming. Maybe this weekend wouldn't be such a disaster after all.

She called Agent Coulson later that day. She told him what she had found and ended her report with, "And tonight I'm going to Ted's third desperate little party to enjoy myself a little. And if you have any other ideas I suggest you put them in your will."

To her surprise, Coulson chuckled over the line, "That's fine, sounds like you need it. Just be warned, Agent Parker will still be there. She said she needs to tie up some loose ends with her cover."

"Fine, I'll stay out of her way just as long as she stays out of mine."

"That's fine. Oh, and one more thing, Maria."

"What is it, Phil?"

"Don't forget to just be Robin Scherbatsky."

"Goodbye, Phil."

She hung up and headed home, ready to finally go to Ted's party.

She arrived and headed right into the kitchen for a drink. It was a small party, just a handful of people. Being on a Sunday night probably had something to do with that. She caught sight of Agent Parker quickly, a thin blonde woman who was talking to a blonde man in a suit. _'That's got to be Barney Stinson. Funny, I wonder where he's hiding the horns?'_

While she was thinking she was tapped on the shoulder. She turned around to see Lily smiling broadly from ear to ear. "Hey, Robin! You made it!" she spoke quickly, the excitement oozing out of her. Maria couldn't help but smile back as she said, "Hey Lily! Yeah, I finally…"

She was cut off when a throaty yell rang through the apartment. Agent Hill whipped around to see Lily's fiancée standing in the middle of the room, yelling. "My book is not a coaster! Ted! I am jeopardizing my law career so you can throw three parties for some girl you just met who's probably not even going to show up! Where is she, Ted? Where's Robin?"

He turned for the kitchen and nearly walked into Maria. The anger bled from his face in an instant, replaced with an abashed, awkward grin. "Oh…hey Robin." He stumbled for words for a moment before grabbing Lily's arm and whisking her away to a different room.

For her part, Maria couldn't decide if she wanted to laugh or swear at the man. His reaction had been truly priceless, but… _'Crap! After all this, I don't get to hang it over Ted's head at all. Oh well, at least his reaction to being "outed" should be fun.'_

She walked over to Ted and asked innocently, "So, you threw all these parties for me?"

Ted stumbled over his words a bit but eventually got out, "What? You thought…no! I mean…no! I mean…yes. One of the reasons I threw these parties was to introduce you to…"

He looked around desperately. Barney shoved another guy their way, who Ted latched onto and said, "This guy! Robin, this is…"

The random guy came to Ted's rescue when he said, "Carlos." Maria shook hands with Carlos while Ted and Barney looked at each other and shared a quick, "Ohh!" _'I wonder what that was about?'_ Maria thought, _'Oh well, I guess Ted's really going to ride this thing all the way down.'_

She started talking with Carlos, casually enjoying the view as Ted visually imploded trying to decide whether to interrupt them or to keep playing his casual long game. Eventually she got bored and asked Carlos if he wanted to see the roof with her. She looked out over the city, trying to stop herself from seeing all of the potential sniper hideouts as she turned to Carlos and asked, "So, Carlos, you're a nice guy. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure thing."

"Is it just me or does Ted seem really desperate to seem casual?"

Carlos laughed, "I think you could have stopped at 'desperate.' You know, the whole time we've been talking I've been wondering how long before he tries to cut in."

Maria laughed, relieved that noticing Ted's behavior wasn't just a super-spy thing. Then, almost as if on cue, she heard someone climb up onto the roof. Carlos shot her a sideways grin as Ted appeared. "Hey, Carlos," he said, "Can you give us a minute?"

Carlos grinned again as he turned to walk away, "No sweat, man."

She could see Ted building up his courage, getting ready to make the great admission. "Look, Robin. I didn't throw these parties to set you up with Carlos."

' _Finally, the truth comes out. Doesn't it feel good, Ted?'_

Ted kept going, "I threw these parties because I wanted to see you."

He stopped, but Maria could tell that there was more to it. "Well, here I am."

That little push got him going again. "There's something here between us. I mean, unless I'm crazy…"

"You're not crazy." _'Wait he's not? Why did I say that?'_ Without knowing why, she kept on talking, "I don't know, Ted. I mean, we barely know each other." _'You don't even know that I'm a spy trained in six ways to kill with a spoon.'_ "…And you're looking at me with that look, that…that…"

"What? What look?"

"Like 'let's fall in love, get married, have kids, and drive them to soccer practice.' That kind of look."

"Hey…I'm not going to force them to do sports unless they want to."

Maria chuckled. _'What's going on? Do I actually like him a little?'_ "It's a great look. But you're looking at the wrong girl."

"No I'm not."

"Yes, you are." She could feel herself cutting off her emotions, _'That look's for Robin Scherbatsky, not Maria Hill.'_ She had to let him down. "Look, I don't want to get married right now. Maybe ever. If we got together I'd feel like I'd either have to marry you or break your heart. And I can't do either of those things. Just like you can't turn off the way you feel."

He looked down. Almost defeated, as if he had just been hit in the head by a ton of bricks. But then that resolve came back into his eyes. He reached across his chest and said, "Click. It's off, let's make out."

She laughed again, but she knew there was more to it. She had realized, finally, what bothered her so much about New York City. It wasn't that things were boring. It was that she had no one to talk to. No one at SHIELD could know about her civilian life and no one in Robin's life could know about SHIELD. Even if she wanted to, she couldn't really get close to Ted. Or anyone else.

But still she laughed and said, "What?"

"Seriously. That was the off switch. I want to fall in love and get married and all of that, but on the other hand…"

He looked hopeful. It hurt, and Maria would love to just go for it, but she couldn't. _'Sorry, Ted. Maybe if you'd met Robin Scherbatsky…_ ' "There's no off switch."

He started getting closer, "Yes, there is. And it's off."

"No, it's not."

He placed one hand against the back of her head and pulled her close. "Yes, there is." And then, he kissed her.

For one long, glorious moment, the loneliness of her assignment melted away. She was just a woman, standing on a rooftop kissing a man. The moment ended as Ted pulled away and said, "No, there isn't. You're right. There is no off switch."

They separated awkwardly. They stumbled around words before laughing nervously. Ted was the one who broke the silence, "So, what now?"

She thought hard about it, then Agent Coulson's words came back to her. _'Just be Robin Scherbatsky, huh? He's right, and right now, Robin Scherbatsky needs…'_ "We could be friends."

Ted looked almost devastated. "Maybe. But I don't know if I could pull it off right now. Maybe in a few months, when it's not so fresh, we could all go get a beer."

' _He's right…But why did he pick now?'_ "Yeah, sounds good. See you, Ted."

She began to walk away when he called back out. "Or, you know. We could get that beer now."

Relief washed over her. A smile split her face and she said, "I would like that."

Ted smiled too as he joined her on the fire escape back down to the apartment, "My friends are going to love you. Like you! As a friend."

She laughed again, _'Oh, Ted. You are going to help me out a lot, aren't you?'_

They went down to the bar with Ted's friends. Maria was formally introduced to Barney and Lily's fiancée Marshall. They drank, talked, and laughed. For some reason, Agent Parker was at the bar making out with Carlos. When they went to get more drinks, she pulled Ted aside and said, "Ted, you are a real catch. You are going to make some girl very happy. And I'm going to help you find her."

"Good luck with that. New York's huge, where would you even start?"

She looked around when a thought occurred to her. She reached over and tapped a nearby woman on the shoulder. When the other woman turned around Maria cheerfully asked, "Hi! Have you met Ted?" She grabbed the beer and headed back to table. Back to her new friends.

* * *

Next Time: Agent Hill looks into the first person on her list...at a nightclub?

Thanks for the patience! I should be back on track for a while. I know this was a lot longer, but I really wanted to get through all of it. Please subscribe/review if you like. I'll be back in about a week.


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